Top Five Ways to Avoid Offending Someone of Another Race

I was once so offended by something a woman said to me (it was loaded with inaccurate assumptions, stereotypes, and racist ideas) that it fired me up and motivated me to write a book to help people avoid making such blatantly ignorant mistakes.

In a classic example of taking lemons and making lemonade, I turned that sour experience into something positive. I wrote the book - "Intercultural Communication" - and in the process, placed a significant emphasis on examining one's underlying ideas about race and stereotypes.

It is my strong belief and experience that the following top five errors and associated tips will prompt you to examine your ideas about race and stereotypes and help you get along better with others - regardless of their gender, nationality, cultural or racial background.

#1: When you start a sentence with "You people..."

...you immediately create a wall between you and the other person. You discount their individuality. You communicate a lack of caring or interest in the person standing before you. You appear ignorant, prejudiced, biased. You are probably about to say something terribly inaccurate, even if you intend it in a good way.

The Fix: Remember that each one of us is an individual and that you cannot know what a person thinks, likes, feels, or is capable of just by looking at them. It turns out that the old adage "Don't judge a book by its cover" really was a gold nugget of widsom. Should you ever feel like saying those words, stop. Ask yourself what assumptions you are making, what stereotypes you're relying on, and what information you're really attending to. If you find yourself focusing on a person's skin color, language, disability or other external characteristic, check your facts first. Instead figure out what questions you can ask that will give you relevant information about the individual in front of you. Then, LISTEN.

#2: When you repeatedly fail to make eye contact with the only White/Black/Asian/Latino/etc. person in the group..."

...you communicate your disinterest, a lack of respect, your prejudice, that you don't feel this individual is worthy of your attention. This second error points out the important distinction between verbal offenders and subtle offenders - Harvard Medical School Professor Alvin Poussaint refers to these as microinequities - the subtle offenses that may appear small in action, but are significant in impact.

The Fix: When you are in a group situation, be aware of your actions - nonverbals account for about 80% of what gets communicated, so they are actually more important than what you say or don't say to another individual. Make a concerted effort to interact and/or make eye contact with each individual in a group. If someone in the group makes you uncomfortable, figure out a way to address that with the individual in a one-on-one scenario.

#3: When you express assumptions (founded in stereotypes)...

...you communicate your ignorance. It may be considered an act of hostility and be responded to accordingly.

The Fix: Never assume that someone likes a particular kind of music, eats a particular kind of food, speaks a particular language, or likes a particular kind of thing PURELY because they are Black/White/Asian/Latino/Other. Be aware that you have stereotypes - we all inherit them - then, be sure to check your assumptions by asking a relevant question.

#4: When you speak or behave in a way that is not natural to you, but is intended to relate to the (stereotype of) the other person..."

...you look silly and you demean the other person if it turns out they can't relate to your stereotype. Two examples: taking on slang ("You go girl!")only when talking to Blacks and Latinos; or bowing to an American born Asian person.

The Fix: Just be yourself! Not every Black person uses slang. Not every Asian person is from abroad. Remember, each of us is an individual.

#5: When you use derogatory terms in a joking manner...

...you tread on precarious ground. There's an unwritten rule in society that a group can make fun of itself, but others can't. Most groups have some term they use to mock themselves, but that doesn't mean that those perceived as "outsiders" should feel free to use them as well. Think of it this way: you probably make fun of some of your close family members. But if others were to do the same, would you be as nonchalant? For many of us, the answer is no.

The Fix: Always err on the side of being respectful.